Being "Bio" Mom in a Blended Family

They say being a Stepmom is the hardest in a blended family but I beg to differ.

Being a Mother sharing custody of her kids has its own challenges, but add in a judgmental Stepmom and the simplest problems that can be solved are now critiqued and dissected to be understood that Mom is jealous, envious, etc. of Stepmom's role in the ex's and child's life. 

In my recent search, I have found only two articles that cater to Mothers in Blended families.

I find it quite distressing that there are so many articles and a whole community for Stepmothers, but us Mothers are left in the dark. We are supposed to keep quiet and deal with this large group of women who think they are superior to us because they are the "new mom" to our children. How can a woman not feel threatened, intimidated, or jealous of another woman who comes swooping in trying to replace us?! If you haven't checked out this Article I think you should, mostly because it kind of gives you an insight on the whole 'Mom vs. Stepmom' propaganda.

Everyone is so focused on how well Stepmom is adjusting forgetting that Mom is still there trying to figure out what her next step is going to be all while trying to get back control of her own life. 

There is a saying that goes, "Being a Stepmom is harder than being a Mom because...". I have to ask myself, "why do these women think being a Stepmom is harder than being a Mother?" and I have yet to find a legitimate answer. Over and over again we hear from Stepmom's feeling fed up and other's tell them that is okay to disassociate themselves from the children involved. While normally I would agree if it was a severe case of Parental Alienation with a High Conflict parent, I cannot agree that there are some invisible boundaries. It is simple really. If a Step Mom was a Biological Mother before becoming a stepparent, she should understand that there are certain boundaries you do not cross involving someone else's child that she wouldn't want crossed with her own children involved. And while many Stepmothers do not like to be called "glorified babysitters", they need to understand that their role in the child's life is to support their partner's parenting, not to Mother those children who already have an involved Mother in their lives.

Being a Mother in a "blended/step family" is no walk in the park.

Mothers have to endure twice as much criticism, anger, jealousy, and resentment. Yes, breakups happen and both parties do some pretty crappy stuff after a break up. It takes an immense amount of courage and time to be able to swallow your pride, put your feelings aside, and co-parent with an ex-partner. Many people have a hard time understanding this and it can take them up to a year or longer to get to that point. Read Here about Attachment Styles and Emotional Adjustment After Relationship Loss.

I honestly believe that many co-parenting relationships fail to move forward in a positive direction because someone holds onto some sort of resentment towards the other parent. No one is given time to heal or grieve from the loss of a relationship in a healthy way. In turn, that resentment will seep into any new relationship that parent becomes involved in. Thus, we see an increase in Stepmom's and Stepdad's becoming "high conflict" or overstepping boundaries by taking on the main parenting role of the child. My theory is this:

As Mothers we are held to a much different and higher standard than that of a Father or Stepmother. 

 We are to maintain grace, civility, honesty, constant forgiveness, and much more towards the Father and his new partner. We are constantly told to "get over it" and to "move on" when a conflict arises between Mom and Dad or Mom and Stepmom. The pressure and stress of "saving face" is on us and I'm not quite sure who decided that was our responsibility. We are told what we need to do and how to act for the sake of Stepmom's feelings. Sorry, but we aren't here to think about Stepmom's feelings, that isn't our job. Our job is to nurture, love, and guide our children.

As women, we are not taught to be okay with another woman attempting to raise our children with the father of our children. It isn't something that we learn in school or at home but it is something we learn as adults as time goes on. High expectations of Mom accepting that concept as soon as Dad enters a new relationship is absurd if you ask me. I believe too many women place these high expectations on the Moms who leave the romantic relationship with Dad.

We only want what is best for our children. We care for these little humans who have grown inside your womb, who we have the privilege of raising everyday, and who love us unconditionally. To know that our child's love can be conditioned because a new woman enters their life is scary and can make any woman do things she would regret. Our children are ours, and not in the sense of property as most make it seem; they were never meant to be raised by strangers, so please keep that in mind when you think to yourself and ask why Mom is being "high conflict" and not being cooperative.

Accepting Responsibility

Lately I am finding that my biggest issue is acceptance and respect of my child's father and his partner. 
(For the purpose of this post, I will be using the aliases Gary to replace the name of my ex and Sasha as for his current partner.)

Because there was so much animosity, I started this Facebook Page hoping that I could come to peace with them while venting away my frustrations. While this page started off with good intentions, it has also changed how I think. It has challenged me to be a better mother and wife.

The first step to change is acknowledging there is a problem. The second step is dealing with it. 

It has been very difficult learning to deal and accept the fact that my position as the Mom can be replaced by a Stepmom. While this doesn't affect how I parent my children, it does weigh heavily on my heart because no woman wants another to "replace" her as the Matriarch of her family. When the nuclear family ends up splitting, children receive the bad end of it due to the hostility and animosity that comes with any break up and/or divorce in most cases. In my case, the animosity took over in the beginning even though I tried my hardest to hide it.

I think it may have made a difference if my ex would have not stayed with the Side Chick.

That is probably what stung the most because it is like rubbing salt in the wound. It didn't help that Sasha would constantly remind me that she was the cause of our relationship ending and how proud she was to "steal" him from me. But the worst part was, that this girl continued to act like she did nothing wrong to my then 3 year old's world. My baby had no idea why our world was changing so rapidly; she only knew that Mommy and Daddy weren't happy. For so long I blamed Sasha without realizing Gary was the problem. I let my emotions guide my co-parenting relationship when I should have distanced myself and gave myself time to heal. I won't lie, the first 2 years was painful and an emotional roller coaster.

What I could never wrap my head around was how Gary would be so cordial when it was just he and I discussing our baby in person, and then the moment Sasha is around he becomes this monster to me. The flip flop of his attitude and behavior towards me would leave me angry and confused. Not only that, our child would see this too and it became too much for me to deal with at times.

There were times Gary wouldn't contact me at all and if he did, it was to talk about child support. Just by the tone of his voice I could tell Sasha was near by. I now know that in those early years after I left him, she was feeling insecure about their relationship. While I had tried to move on and find love with another, Sasha would make it her objective that I never find love. Somehow almost every new person I met was connected to her by one way or another. She was out to get me was the only reasonable thing I could think at the time (because I knew I wasn't doing anything to ruin or cause issues in her life). Everything became a competition with her and I found myself entangled in her web of drama. The more I tried to stay from it, the more she pushed the boundaries. It came to the point where she was involving my child in her bitterness towards me. Eventually I had enough and began pushing back. The "mama bear" in me was fierce and was not letting go. Every time she would insult me, I had a comeback for her that was ten times harsher.

Time to accept responsibility

I began noticing that my attitude and behavior became so negative that it was rubbing off on my little one. When my child began talking back, copping an attitude, and being down right mean. It had taken some time to realize that the fights between Sasha and I were affecting my little one so bad that this was thought to be acceptable. It was then that I knew this is not me and how I am raising a child to accept this kind of behavior.

I began changing my attitude because children pick up unintentional habits from their main caregivers. After talking to my baby about how we need to treat people with respect regardless if they deserve it she asked me, "Mommy, why don't you and Sasha respect each other?". I didn't have an answer for her. For the first time in 2 years I didn't know how to answer such a question. I never took the time to get to the root of the problem because I was so quick to defend myself against this drama craved person.

After a few inner assessments of myself I thought it was time for a change. It didn't take long for my little one to notice, and my God was it wonderful to hear, "Mama I'm proud of you. You are happy again". As weeks went by, I asked to meet with Gary. I felt I owed him an apology for my previous behavior and wanted to start fresh. I apologized to him for taking out my anger on him for something he had no control over. While it wasn't directly toward Sasha, for me that was close enough. There are times where I reflect and wonder if I should have apologized to her but then common sense makes me think twice about that. Apologizing to Sasha is admitting defeat in her eyes and I definitely didn't care enough to give her that satisfaction at that time.

Accepting an Apology that isn't Real

I don't know what sparked it, but after that meeting with Gary, he asked if I would meet with Sasha to "bury the hatchet" for the sake of our child. While I was weary, I agreed. After all this was the woman who would probably be around more often than I'd like. As time went on Gary contacted us less and less. I didn't push the idea of meeting with Sasha because if it were that important to her as it was to Gary, she would have made contact. I want to say it was about 3 months before we heard anything from them and it was to ask if they could take little one to the park, in the winter the park really isn't the most ideal place, but again I agreed to meet them there.

I am not sure what I expected but after being in an uncomfortable silence for about 30 minutes while Gary sheepishly spoke to the not-so-little-one, I pulled Sasha aside. We exchanged some words that were amicable but not respectable nor appropriate to be said around children. She gave some half-ass apology that sounded like it had been rehearsed by Gary. Her tone was rude and rushed; I didn't feel it was real. I nodded my head as she spoke but I couldn't wrap my head around what she was saying. After she was done, I thanked her for at least trying to apologize but apparently she didn't like that, hence where the not so appropriate or respectable words came in.

In some ways as I look back on that day, I could see that she wasn't prepared for me to not accept her apology. To me, it just wasn't sincere. It didn't feel like she was talking to me from one Mother to another. What I learned after counseling myself after that interaction was this: people will only apologize to make themselves look better in the eyes of someone else, not because they actually mean it. I have always taught my child to apologize for being mean but to also mean the apology. The person hurt has to feel the sincerity of it because if not, the apology is meaningless.

What I hope that you take from this post, is that when dealing with the other parent and the stepparent, you really have to reflect on your own behavior. Without knowing it, they could influence the negativity in your mind and bring you down to their level of pettiness if you let it. I wish that what I know now, I would have known back then. Learn to acknowledge your part in the negativity and try to make it right. You aren't doing this only for your child but for yourself as well. 

An Open Letter To My Child's Biological Father

Dear ________'s Biological Father,

I want to thank you for making me a Mother and making me realize I had to do what is best for our child by learning from my experiences. For such a long time I held onto the anger and resentment for you because of what you put me through but I always seemed to forgive you at the same time when I looked into my baby's eyes.

I wish you would have kept up your end of the deal when you decided to tear apart our young family. I thought we were doing fairly well and getting ready to enter parenthood together as we had planned. But life had other plans for us, didn't it? While I may still hold some resentment towards your mistress turned wife, I also blame you. It was your responsibility to be a Father to our little one and you failed. I will admit my anger and emotional well-being got the better of me at one point and I didn't let you forget that you failed. I am sorry that I didn't realize my mistakes sooner and forgive you for not being there.

As time and years have passed, my anger and resentment towards you has faded immensely. I have come to the realization that you will never be the Father that our precious child deserves. Your feelings towards me, whatever they may be, outweighs your love for the child we share. I would like to think that you miss our child and crave a relationship but as you know actions are louder than words.

Speaking on behalf of me and our little one, we wish you well and happiness with your new family. We hear you have added another little bundle of joy recently, congratulations! It is good to see and hear from mutual friends that you are a good Father to those children with your wife. I will admit I get jealous but it doesn't last very long because this amazing child reassures me that one day you will see how great of a kid I raised and you will know what true forgiveness really is the day you decide to look for our child. You have given me the best gift and for that I am eternally grateful.

Sincerely,
The Mother of our Only Child

Why We Really Don't Like You

There are plenty of articles floating around the internet about why Mothers "hate" Stepmothers, and WE are here to set the record straight! That's right, you will read it here from biological mothers across the internet. 

The one article that stood out the most to me was found surprisingly on stepmothersupport.com. It gave a list of reasons why a Mother might hate the stepmother. But because the reasons are so generalized it's hard not to get upset about it. These DO NOT apply to ALL mothers or situations. Whoever writes these types of articles are not looking at the whole picture, rather just the one sided view.

I began to write a response to the Step Mothers Support post and quickly decided to not go that route. Instead, I thought it was a great idea to ask Mothers from various backgrounds who deal with various types of Stepmothers why they hate or dislike the "other" woman in their children's lives.
*Side Note: Mothers do not hate or dislike anyone without a reason. Whether you know that reason or not, bottom line is: there is a reason. 

Don't get me wrong, I would have loved to correct that post but I would much rather give a Mother's Perspective on the things that stepmothers do to get under our skin.

1. You are quick to let people know that you are the "better" Mother to my children
2. You openly disrespect me online and/or in person, even if my children are around
3. You create drama 
4. You refuse to acknowledge my role as Mother to my children
5. You assume that my children's father has never done anything wrong as a parent
6. You insert yourself into my life (stalking, harassing, etc.)
7. You judge me very openly and harshly about what I do/don't do with my children because I do not do things the way you think I should. 
8. You think I want your boyfriend/husband aka my EX back

Now these may vary and obviously do not apply to everyone. I have read from stepmoms who do not think that they are part of the problem, rather it is all Moms doing. Sorry ladies, but women in general can be dramatic, mothers and stepmothers included. No Mother does anything the same way or thinks the same way. We are all made to be different.

There should always be a line drawn when it comes to taking care of our children that should not be crossed, such as abuse, neglect, etc. But to assume a Mother is "neglecting" or "abusing" her child based off an assumption or what someone tells you is being petty and immature. This picture comes to mind when I read or hear women crying out neglect and/or abuse of children who are taken care of:

Forgiveness

Everyday we find a way to learn to forgive others who have wronged us. But what about the men in our lives who do so much harm and cause so much chaos that it basically destroys our will to forgive them?

Many people speak on forgiveness being for their own sanity and peace of mind. While we cannot control another's actions, we certainly have the will to control our own.

I was recently asked how I forgave my child's father for all the hurt, pain, and mistrust he caused both myself and my child. All I could think of was the word, "time". As cliche, as that might sound, it is true for the most part. I had to deal with a lot of anger and hurt inside myself that I didn't realize was there until I was completely free from the person I thought I loved.

I first started to look at the reasons why I was so angry and hurt and came to one common denominator, my insecurities. I was young and weak minded which led him to be able to control and manipulate me into feeding his ego and abuse. I continued to look deeper into why I thought it was okay. I came to the conclusion that I had abandonment issues from my own childhood. I had let him abuse me for close to 3 years and his cheating was just the icing on the cake. Isn't it odd that many women would take abuse but the moment they find out their man is cheating they find the strength to leave?! Check out this post about the relationship between cheating and abuse. In my personal opinion, I think many women land the "Stepmom" title because they were the husband/boyfriend's mistress.

After a couple of years of self loathing, I began feeling better about myself. I began counseling myself and praying every chance I got to be a better mother and person. Any time I felt the anger rise, I prayed and told myself, he isn't worth the headache. When I saw that his choices to leave our child on the backburner, I would cry and ask God why this guy couldn't love our child enough to be around.

Eventually I had to take a look at my own actions, this was the hardest thing to do. This was hard not because my actions made me ashamed, but because if I wanted to become a better mother, I had to learn to forgive myself for the time I spent angry and hurt. Forgiveness doesn't happen overnight. It takes many days, months, even years for some people. But I could no longer hold onto that anger because it wasn't making me a better mother. I no longer had the energy to deal with the anger towards that coward of a man. To me, being a mother was more than avoiding those tough decisions, because lets face it, forgiving is not easy at all.  

In order for one to forgive another for the hurt and pain that person caused, you have to first forgive yourself. In the words of Lewis B. Smedes:

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you"