The Battle of Motherhood

When you get married or decide to have children, you never really think about the possibility of your relationship ending with your child's other parent. 

It's hard enough to be a Mother, but having to go through a divorce or ending a relationship for whatever reason, can make it more difficult for the children. And when you think that you and Dad are finally on the same page as far as parenting, he changes it up and brings a new woman into the picture. This is where things get complicated and messy. As women, we naturally judge other women without really thinking about it. Sometimes we openly judge them on social media and forget that it can come back to bite us or our significant other in the ass.

 "How can you trust someone you do not know, with the safety and well-being of your children?"

Children love unconditionally and that may scare us and knowing that our children love another woman who we do not trust bring out the mama lion in us. We know what Dad is capable of when it comes to caring for our children because we lived with him. If you didn't live with the Father of your children or were never in a relationship with him, this is more difficult because you have no idea what kind of Dad he is when he is not around. (and that is a hard pill to swallow)
Fathers are the middlemen when it comes to setting the tone of introduction in which Mothers and Stepmothers meet. These men have the power to make the women fight, become jealous, irrational, insecure, intimidated by the other, and 9 times out of 10 the women are going based solely off of what the Father is saying about the other woman, whether it is good or bad.

If a woman feels she is being replaced or that the other woman is deliberately trying to replace her in the lives of her spouse and children, she instinctively becomes aggressive and hostile. Where as a woman who takes it upon herself to the other woman who will be in her children's lives is more likely to form a cordial relationship and possibly friendship. It may take weeks, months, or years, but eventually the hostility and aggressiveness will be non-existent.

In the end it comes down to the children of the situation. They were not asked to be brought into the world or to be dragged through court because Mom and Dad cannot seem to get along or agree on anything. As Mothers we want to do what is best, or what we think is best for our children. It is understandably so that many Stepmothers think it is okay to openly put down and judge what a Mother does or does not do for her children simply because Stepmom does or doesn't do it the way that Mom does.

That does not make us better or worse than others, it makes us different. 

There are times where we are so harsh with our words and refuse to admit that our actions are apart of the reason why there is now so much conflict. If Dad is not communication with Stepmom to let her know that it is not okay for her to disrespect the Mother of his children as well as letting Mom know that disrespecting his wife is unacceptable, things can become hostile, high conflict, or much worse. Dads set the scene when it comes to being respectful and resolving issues with the women in his life.  

I had to stop and think to myself for a moment because there is so much truth in that question. How many of us Mothers do not trust the new Stepmom or Dad's new beau? Yes, Dad may trust her (and that's fine) but if Dad and I do not get along, how am I supposed to trust this new woman he has brought into our children's lives? There is no handbook or manual on how to get along with Dad and his new beau but there are many blogs and websites dedicated to Stepmothers to justify their actions and roles in the children's lives.

In a recent conversation with my husband, we talked about the problems that can arise for the children when both Mother and Stepmother cannot get along or do not trust each other. Being able to trust another woman who you do not know with your precious child can either be dangerous or a blessing. What it boils down to, is  whether or not you are comfortable enough with the children being around this other person who may or may not be in their lives forever. Sometimes you have to think of your children's Stepmother as the role of an aunt or daycare worker. You have to trust that she will give your child the attention and care that you would or at least she would try to in your absence. It is hard to see her as a "Mother" figure to your children because you are their Mother. I think that can be the biggest obstacle of all. I know many Stepmothers see themselves as the Mother in their home but fail to realize that their role is not to take on all Motherly duties but to care and love the children in the home as any mature adult would.