Accepting Responsibility

Lately I am finding that my biggest issue is acceptance and respect of my child's father and his partner. 
(For the purpose of this post, I will be using the aliases Gary to replace the name of my ex and Sasha as for his current partner.)

Because there was so much animosity, I started this Facebook Page hoping that I could come to peace with them while venting away my frustrations. While this page started off with good intentions, it has also changed how I think. It has challenged me to be a better mother and wife.

The first step to change is acknowledging there is a problem. The second step is dealing with it. 

It has been very difficult learning to deal and accept the fact that my position as the Mom can be replaced by a Stepmom. While this doesn't affect how I parent my children, it does weigh heavily on my heart because no woman wants another to "replace" her as the Matriarch of her family. When the nuclear family ends up splitting, children receive the bad end of it due to the hostility and animosity that comes with any break up and/or divorce in most cases. In my case, the animosity took over in the beginning even though I tried my hardest to hide it.

I think it may have made a difference if my ex would have not stayed with the Side Chick.

That is probably what stung the most because it is like rubbing salt in the wound. It didn't help that Sasha would constantly remind me that she was the cause of our relationship ending and how proud she was to "steal" him from me. But the worst part was, that this girl continued to act like she did nothing wrong to my then 3 year old's world. My baby had no idea why our world was changing so rapidly; she only knew that Mommy and Daddy weren't happy. For so long I blamed Sasha without realizing Gary was the problem. I let my emotions guide my co-parenting relationship when I should have distanced myself and gave myself time to heal. I won't lie, the first 2 years was painful and an emotional roller coaster.

What I could never wrap my head around was how Gary would be so cordial when it was just he and I discussing our baby in person, and then the moment Sasha is around he becomes this monster to me. The flip flop of his attitude and behavior towards me would leave me angry and confused. Not only that, our child would see this too and it became too much for me to deal with at times.

There were times Gary wouldn't contact me at all and if he did, it was to talk about child support. Just by the tone of his voice I could tell Sasha was near by. I now know that in those early years after I left him, she was feeling insecure about their relationship. While I had tried to move on and find love with another, Sasha would make it her objective that I never find love. Somehow almost every new person I met was connected to her by one way or another. She was out to get me was the only reasonable thing I could think at the time (because I knew I wasn't doing anything to ruin or cause issues in her life). Everything became a competition with her and I found myself entangled in her web of drama. The more I tried to stay from it, the more she pushed the boundaries. It came to the point where she was involving my child in her bitterness towards me. Eventually I had enough and began pushing back. The "mama bear" in me was fierce and was not letting go. Every time she would insult me, I had a comeback for her that was ten times harsher.

Time to accept responsibility

I began noticing that my attitude and behavior became so negative that it was rubbing off on my little one. When my child began talking back, copping an attitude, and being down right mean. It had taken some time to realize that the fights between Sasha and I were affecting my little one so bad that this was thought to be acceptable. It was then that I knew this is not me and how I am raising a child to accept this kind of behavior.

I began changing my attitude because children pick up unintentional habits from their main caregivers. After talking to my baby about how we need to treat people with respect regardless if they deserve it she asked me, "Mommy, why don't you and Sasha respect each other?". I didn't have an answer for her. For the first time in 2 years I didn't know how to answer such a question. I never took the time to get to the root of the problem because I was so quick to defend myself against this drama craved person.

After a few inner assessments of myself I thought it was time for a change. It didn't take long for my little one to notice, and my God was it wonderful to hear, "Mama I'm proud of you. You are happy again". As weeks went by, I asked to meet with Gary. I felt I owed him an apology for my previous behavior and wanted to start fresh. I apologized to him for taking out my anger on him for something he had no control over. While it wasn't directly toward Sasha, for me that was close enough. There are times where I reflect and wonder if I should have apologized to her but then common sense makes me think twice about that. Apologizing to Sasha is admitting defeat in her eyes and I definitely didn't care enough to give her that satisfaction at that time.

Accepting an Apology that isn't Real

I don't know what sparked it, but after that meeting with Gary, he asked if I would meet with Sasha to "bury the hatchet" for the sake of our child. While I was weary, I agreed. After all this was the woman who would probably be around more often than I'd like. As time went on Gary contacted us less and less. I didn't push the idea of meeting with Sasha because if it were that important to her as it was to Gary, she would have made contact. I want to say it was about 3 months before we heard anything from them and it was to ask if they could take little one to the park, in the winter the park really isn't the most ideal place, but again I agreed to meet them there.

I am not sure what I expected but after being in an uncomfortable silence for about 30 minutes while Gary sheepishly spoke to the not-so-little-one, I pulled Sasha aside. We exchanged some words that were amicable but not respectable nor appropriate to be said around children. She gave some half-ass apology that sounded like it had been rehearsed by Gary. Her tone was rude and rushed; I didn't feel it was real. I nodded my head as she spoke but I couldn't wrap my head around what she was saying. After she was done, I thanked her for at least trying to apologize but apparently she didn't like that, hence where the not so appropriate or respectable words came in.

In some ways as I look back on that day, I could see that she wasn't prepared for me to not accept her apology. To me, it just wasn't sincere. It didn't feel like she was talking to me from one Mother to another. What I learned after counseling myself after that interaction was this: people will only apologize to make themselves look better in the eyes of someone else, not because they actually mean it. I have always taught my child to apologize for being mean but to also mean the apology. The person hurt has to feel the sincerity of it because if not, the apology is meaningless.

What I hope that you take from this post, is that when dealing with the other parent and the stepparent, you really have to reflect on your own behavior. Without knowing it, they could influence the negativity in your mind and bring you down to their level of pettiness if you let it. I wish that what I know now, I would have known back then. Learn to acknowledge your part in the negativity and try to make it right. You aren't doing this only for your child but for yourself as well.