Being "Bio" Mom in a Blended Family

They say being a Stepmom is the hardest in a blended family but I beg to differ.

Being a Mother sharing custody of her kids has its own challenges, but add in a judgmental Stepmom and the simplest problems that can be solved are now critiqued and dissected to be understood that Mom is jealous, envious, etc. of Stepmom's role in the ex's and child's life. 

In my recent search, I have found only two articles that cater to Mothers in Blended families.

I find it quite distressing that there are so many articles and a whole community for Stepmothers, but us Mothers are left in the dark. We are supposed to keep quiet and deal with this large group of women who think they are superior to us because they are the "new mom" to our children. How can a woman not feel threatened, intimidated, or jealous of another woman who comes swooping in trying to replace us?! If you haven't checked out this Article I think you should, mostly because it kind of gives you an insight on the whole 'Mom vs. Stepmom' propaganda.

Everyone is so focused on how well Stepmom is adjusting forgetting that Mom is still there trying to figure out what her next step is going to be all while trying to get back control of her own life. 

There is a saying that goes, "Being a Stepmom is harder than being a Mom because...". I have to ask myself, "why do these women think being a Stepmom is harder than being a Mother?" and I have yet to find a legitimate answer. Over and over again we hear from Stepmom's feeling fed up and other's tell them that is okay to disassociate themselves from the children involved. While normally I would agree if it was a severe case of Parental Alienation with a High Conflict parent, I cannot agree that there are some invisible boundaries. It is simple really. If a Step Mom was a Biological Mother before becoming a stepparent, she should understand that there are certain boundaries you do not cross involving someone else's child that she wouldn't want crossed with her own children involved. And while many Stepmothers do not like to be called "glorified babysitters", they need to understand that their role in the child's life is to support their partner's parenting, not to Mother those children who already have an involved Mother in their lives.

Being a Mother in a "blended/step family" is no walk in the park.

Mothers have to endure twice as much criticism, anger, jealousy, and resentment. Yes, breakups happen and both parties do some pretty crappy stuff after a break up. It takes an immense amount of courage and time to be able to swallow your pride, put your feelings aside, and co-parent with an ex-partner. Many people have a hard time understanding this and it can take them up to a year or longer to get to that point. Read Here about Attachment Styles and Emotional Adjustment After Relationship Loss.

I honestly believe that many co-parenting relationships fail to move forward in a positive direction because someone holds onto some sort of resentment towards the other parent. No one is given time to heal or grieve from the loss of a relationship in a healthy way. In turn, that resentment will seep into any new relationship that parent becomes involved in. Thus, we see an increase in Stepmom's and Stepdad's becoming "high conflict" or overstepping boundaries by taking on the main parenting role of the child. My theory is this:

As Mothers we are held to a much different and higher standard than that of a Father or Stepmother. 

 We are to maintain grace, civility, honesty, constant forgiveness, and much more towards the Father and his new partner. We are constantly told to "get over it" and to "move on" when a conflict arises between Mom and Dad or Mom and Stepmom. The pressure and stress of "saving face" is on us and I'm not quite sure who decided that was our responsibility. We are told what we need to do and how to act for the sake of Stepmom's feelings. Sorry, but we aren't here to think about Stepmom's feelings, that isn't our job. Our job is to nurture, love, and guide our children.

As women, we are not taught to be okay with another woman attempting to raise our children with the father of our children. It isn't something that we learn in school or at home but it is something we learn as adults as time goes on. High expectations of Mom accepting that concept as soon as Dad enters a new relationship is absurd if you ask me. I believe too many women place these high expectations on the Moms who leave the romantic relationship with Dad.

We only want what is best for our children. We care for these little humans who have grown inside your womb, who we have the privilege of raising everyday, and who love us unconditionally. To know that our child's love can be conditioned because a new woman enters their life is scary and can make any woman do things she would regret. Our children are ours, and not in the sense of property as most make it seem; they were never meant to be raised by strangers, so please keep that in mind when you think to yourself and ask why Mom is being "high conflict" and not being cooperative.