This is the question that is on everyone’s minds. To better answer this, I had to reach out to our Facebook community to receive some answers to this mind boggling question.
We
were brought together, but it wasn't by our selection. Step Mothers and Mothers
have a long history of not getting along for one reason or another. If you read
my last post, The Middleman, you will get an idea about where this post may go.
We each share a unique bond with the children who were required to accept this whole blended/step-family dynamic. They didn't want nor choose to be in this type of family but we are all doing the best we can with what has become. Some parents are able to co-parent while others use the parallel parenting technique. As one Stepmom said:
“I didn't sign up to take a back seat, I signed up to be part of team child. That is part of what happens when you become involved in a child’s life.”
What
most Mother’s come to feel is that their parenting techniques are now
questioned by this new woman and constantly judged, leaving the Mother to feel
like she is being attacked which in turn makes her become defensive and
inadvertently hostile, although this doesn't happen to all Mothers.. Once a woman comes to her senses it can either be too late
or she has too much pride to apologize. I've read many Mothers and Stepmothers say that it is
too late because of all the drama Mom/Stepmom caused or that the Mother/Stepmother will never change, so her guard will always be up. I find this so very upsetting! What I am sure we all want is to be able to parent our children
the way we see fit without Stepmom constantly pointing her nose up at us and
telling everyone how she is the better parent because she does X,Y, and Z while
the children’s Mother does A, B, and C. To most women, they will find that as
attacking their parenting and unacceptable. But Mother’s who are secure in
their role in their child’s life do not feel the need to jump down Stepmom’s
throat every time Stepmom says something negative about her. Below is one example of a Mother's reaction to a Stepmom not committing to meet.
I have always said that RESPECT is what all parties should have one another when it comes to parenting children from a “broken” home. Have you seen Tyler Perry’s: Why Did I Get Married movie? If so, you will know that when Marcus finally puts his foot down to stop the foolishness from both his children’s Mother (Keisha) and his wife (Angela) they immediately stopped their bickering. What the women didn’t take into account was how their actions would affect the children that they love and care about until it was too late. Which is what many Mothers and Stepmothers make. We rely on these other people to be mature and handle child exchanges smoothly without the bitterness and disrespect. In the words of one Stepmom:
All children want, whether young or an adult, is to be able to love their parents and stepparents freely. It doesn't seem like a hard thing to ask, right? So why do we make it so difficult? At one point Mom and Dad were able to co-parent while they were together but the minute they split up, either one or both let their feelings and emotions take over and they manage to convince their new partner that the "other" parent is this vile, evil, conniving person. Some are able to come to their senses sooner than others, while a lot of (mostly) women take years to realize the effect of their choices. Many stepmoms just want to be accepted by the Mothers while many Mothers just want to be respected and heard by their ex-partners and their child’s Stepmother. After all, a Mother is just as important as a Father is in a child’s heart and mind.
"My ex's girlfriend is around my child a lot. Not too long ago, I asked her to meet with me since I do not know her very well. She said okay but she never got back to me to schedule a day or time to meet. She will be with my child a lot more this summer, even more than my child's Father. The schedule change is coming soon so she will be keeping my son. I just wanted to meet her and let her know that she can come to me if she had any questions or concerns, I felt as if she lied to me by saying, 'yes I will meet with you' but never followed through."
I have always said that RESPECT is what all parties should have one another when it comes to parenting children from a “broken” home. Have you seen Tyler Perry’s: Why Did I Get Married movie? If so, you will know that when Marcus finally puts his foot down to stop the foolishness from both his children’s Mother (Keisha) and his wife (Angela) they immediately stopped their bickering. What the women didn’t take into account was how their actions would affect the children that they love and care about until it was too late. Which is what many Mothers and Stepmothers make. We rely on these other people to be mature and handle child exchanges smoothly without the bitterness and disrespect. In the words of one Stepmom:
"I have never brought up any issues with the BM''s, only my SO. It is usually related to BM1 taking time away or with BM2 when she would withhold visitation for no reason. But honestly, I think that they're good parents, both good mothers, and I have two wonderful stepchildren as a result"
All children want, whether young or an adult, is to be able to love their parents and stepparents freely. It doesn't seem like a hard thing to ask, right? So why do we make it so difficult? At one point Mom and Dad were able to co-parent while they were together but the minute they split up, either one or both let their feelings and emotions take over and they manage to convince their new partner that the "other" parent is this vile, evil, conniving person. Some are able to come to their senses sooner than others, while a lot of (mostly) women take years to realize the effect of their choices. Many stepmoms just want to be accepted by the Mothers while many Mothers just want to be respected and heard by their ex-partners and their child’s Stepmother. After all, a Mother is just as important as a Father is in a child’s heart and mind.
“Parenting
is the easiest thing to judge but the hardest thing to do”
