1. You are Dad's Support System.
Your role is to support Dad and enforce his rules for his children. Balancing your role as Stepmom can be difficult but it's ultimately something you have to find out how to do on your own. In other words, we do NOT have to co-parent with you. Unless we magically manage to build a sincere and genuine friendship, we do not have to discuss anything with you. Mom should discuss everything with Dad as it should be. Stepmom can get her information from him whether he chooses to tell her or not; it's not our concern. Dad should be able to effectively communicate with Mom and Stepmom should never make it difficult for either parent to communicate about the children.
2. You Are a Stepmom
Don't take this the wrong way ladies, but you do NOT get to define if she is a "fit" Mother, especially if you are a part time SM. If the children have a Mom who is involved in their lives, you are not needed to fill the role of Mother no matter what Dad says. Yes, you are a parent in your home, but you are not their parent; they already have two and want you to cut them some slack. You are their role model, their friend, and most importantly, you are their Dad's future. They will love you and hate you just like they do their own parents and they will understand that you are the enforcer when their parents are not around. Now if you are the "custodial" stepmom, you are one step closer to having more rights as a parent which is only necessary if the children's Mother is not in the picture at all or rarely around.
3. It's NOT About You.
We don't wake up one Morning and think to ourselves how we are going to make your life complicated. What a Mother chooses to do during her time with her children has nothing to do with you no matter how bad you want to believe it. No, we don't want to be you, be like you, or have what you have. If our ex was as good of a person as you claim, our relationship would have never ended. The choice a Mother makes for her children does not need your approval in any way, shape, or form. If you don't like it, take it up with Dad but do NOT put the child in the middle of your pettiness or try to tell me how to parent my child. No Mother will ever allow it or be okay with another woman negatively speaking or being dramatic in front or around her child. A loving and involved Mother will make mistakes and learn from them. She does not need you to constantly put her down for her past mistakes, especially if she is trying to make amends. She also doesn't need you to talk about how much better of a "mother" you are to her children. That solves nothing and only adds to the conflicts if there are any.
4. It's Dad's Time, Not Yours.
Of course Dad's parenting time is going to be spent however he wants it to be spent with the children; we aren't trying to dictate that. We just want to make sure that our children are able to spend that designated time in Dad's home WITH Dad. Please understand that we will never be able to see it as your parenting time, because in reality it is Dad's. We are not trying to discredit the time our children spend with you or with the their step-siblings or half-siblings because we all know kids like being around kids, related or not. We take notice that you are apart of child's life and how Dad chooses to spend his time with his children is his choice, which means you will be able to see the children too but we are not obligated to send our children to you without Dad or during our parenting time unless it is in our court order or we generally can get along for the sake of the kids.
5. Invisible Boundaries You Are Crossing.
We have these invisible boundaries that we assume you know. Sometimes we tell you exactly what they are when we first meet you and other times we wait until the children get to know you before letting you know what these boundaries are. Lets be frank for a moment, we don't want or need your opinion/approval of our parenting. Here are the basics:
- Do not abuse or spank my child while you are angry or trying to discipline. You have no right to spank a child who is not yours and once we find out, there will be hell to pay. So just don't do it.
- Leave the firsts to the parents. If a Mother cannot be there for her child's firsts, she wants to know every little detail. Most of the time the children will tell the other parent but it's nice if you were to let us know. We might hold a little resentment but we will get over it.
- You don't get to set up appointments or take the children to any appointments that Dad should be taking them to on his time. That is the job for Mom and Dad. We understand if Dad can't make it, just give us a heads up so that we don't expect any surprises when Stepmom shows up or talks to us about Billy's dentist appointment. You may be the Mom in your home, but I am still Mom to my children.
- If you think calling, texting, or emailing us about our children is a good idea, you should probably rethink that decision based on the type of communication we already have. Communication should always be between Mom and Dad. If neither can get along long enough to talk to about the children, then the courts should be brought in. In no way is it ever okay for Stepmom to email, text, or message on behalf of dad or in his place. That is just asking for there to be conflict.
6. Be Respectful.
If you talk bad about Mom on any social media website or to her friends and family, you are contributing to the ongoing 'Mom vs.Stepmom' battle in our society. Yes, we all need to vent, but the fastest way to get Mom to immediately lose all or any respect for you is by talking crap about her and finding out what you said especially if her children can hear/see/read it. If you want me to respect your role as a Stepmom, you need to respect my role as your stepchildren's Mother. Once a Mother loses any respect for the Stepmother, that co-parenting relationship that Mom and Dad tried so hard to keep conflict-free will now be hard to keep. Everything you do and say will become giant red flags for Mom and she will in turn become protective of her children. If you can easily hate and belittle the Mother of your husband's children, who knows what else you are capable of doing or saying to her children?!
7. He Was a Crappy Husband/Boyfriend/Dad.
There are always 3 sides to a story but you will never hear ours because that romantic part of our relationship expired. Our parenting relationship however, is just that; we are are here to parent together or at least that is what we hope to do. If at any point in our relationship with our child's father, he was mean, abusive, hurtful, etc. to us and/or the kids, it will forever be implanted into our hearts and minds. He may have matured and grown up while with you, and that is great, but it will be hard for us to see that because we only know who he was as a person when we were with him. The one major thing you do not want to do is tell me what kind of manor dad he was or wasn't during my relationship with him. You were not there and do not know what I or the children went through. That will automatically send off bad vibes and will make us more observant of how you are with the children.
We know this doesn't apply to every situation or every Stepmom. This is just the basics for any type of cordial parenting relationship where all parties are mature and can communicate like adults should. This does not mean that Mom, Dad, Stepmom or Stepdad should all be friends but they should at least attempt to respect each other's role in the children's lives so that the children will grow up feeling loved and cared for. When everyone is on the same page, the children are happier. Isn't that what we all want?
