Co-Parenting Experiences

Co-parenting can be difficult if you and your child's other parent do not see eye to eye, do not communicate, do not put aside your feelings for the other parent, or refuse to accept that he/she has moved on. 

I will be the first to admit that after the very emotional and shameful breakup with my child's father, I was an emotional wreck. He was my first boyfriend, my first sexual partner, and the first to physically assault me before and after my pregnancy with his child; which made the breakup even more emotional for me. We were young and I thought I knew what love was. I handled everything the exact opposite way of how I thought I was going to handle it.

Now that I am older and oh so much wiser, I figured that if I wanted to co-parent with my child's father, I have to learn to respect him. For me though, that is quite difficult. How can I respect a person who has not only ruined me emotionally and physically, but a man who has abandoned his child on his own free will?! I have prayed, talked to myself, spoken with a therapist and my priest, yet for the longest time I held on to the hurt that was not only done to me, but was done to my child, and I eventually lost sight of everything I talked about. 

My child's father and I may not see eye to eye on practically everything but I know he loves our child, even though he has a horrible way of showing it. I had to learn that no matter how horrible he had been to me does not always mean that he would be horrible to our child too. 

Here are my tips on co-parenting that I have learned when dealing with a controlling and manipulative ex-spouse/partner:

• Stay Calm. No matter what he says in a text, email, on the phone, or in person. When dealing with a controlling ex-partner, you have to build up some thick skin, so to speak. 
• Stay Positive. Even if the world is ending as you know it, look for that little glimpse of hope and hold on tight. The controlling ex-partner will eventually give up and dig their own grave. 
• Let it Go. If I have learned anything from the past, it is this. Let go of the hurt, anger, absence, whatever. I know what you are thinking, "Easier said than done", right? It takes a lot of talking yourself out of things especially being hurt and angry. Find out why it makes you feel that certain way, write it down, sing a song, whatever you need to and throw it away, burn it, shred it. 
• Don't take it personal. For years I was taking everything he did or say personally and it was very stressful and tiring. Eventually I had to tell myself, "It's not me, it's him". And that is exactly the mantra I say every time he belittles me, mocks me, or tries any tactic to "control" me because no matter what he says, I will still love and care about myself enough to be the better person and speak kindly of him and to him. (This really works especially if children are present during their charade. Kids will notice who is/was being the better and mature adult.) 

I have made the mistake before of not being to kind or nice to my ex-partner because of all the hurt and anger I had. Eventually you will see yourself become someone you do not recognize. It took me 6 years to change myself for the better which meant I had to deal with my emotions and feelings towards my ex-partner. He was a horrible person to me and I noticed that I began to think of him as an awful father because I could not see past the hurt and anger. 

I want you all to know, that it does get better! But in order for it to get better, you have to work on yourself and be confident that you wont take any kind of abuse from your ex-partner. Don't wait years to do so, because the only one who is hurting is the child.